The Long Conversation With You

 “The worst part of holding the memories is not the pain. It's the loneliness of it..." - Lois Lowry

Hi Mas, it's been a while.

I dunno wether you will read this or not (and how you'll read it anyway), but I'm already on my verge of breakdown. I do not trust myself to have a reflective conversation about everything that happen in my life for the recent years after you left to another universe. But I need to write this. Really need to. Although anyone could read it (I'm a paradoxical human being, tangling with inside war everyday in my head). I send this to you. Only you.

2020's been so damaging, rough, unexpected, but brought so much growth that suffocating. I lost you, lost myself, lost my damaged love-obsession towards a man, but yet I shone on my academic journey. I passed my master degree on time, got a decent part time job at my almamater, editing a book, and living in the bright spot of Jakarta. A crowded city that seems never sleep.

Yet I lived, day by day. But at night, sometimes, I woke up. Asked myself what's wrong, why I'm not enough. Radha (your bickering partner), Jujun, and Uji protected me with their own different ways. Even they didn't boast about it, I always knew their got my back. I owed them much. Even 'till now.

Losing the love that I've been pushed so hard for nearly five years is clearly bizzare. Deep down I know this wouldn't work out. It never works. But you knew already. I'm a narcissist with high-ego, control freak, and nightingale syndrome that you used to say for years during our random convs. This lost blown my heart completely, leaving me cold and ruined.

I survived 2020 relying on my career, siblings, and BTS. You'll laugh about this. Due to the karmic retribution, I put my happiness to the seven men from Korea who didn't even know that I'm exist. But their presence, music, and stories became a fruitful distraction. A tool to keep me entertained, till now.

2021 was another vicious. I spent half of the year rolling in the deep of my self mental destruction. I hated myself that much. I couldn't forgive myself for what I did to me. Another bizzare, right !?

But deaths were surging around me. The pandemic rose to the maximum, killed people here and there. But it spared my family, my life too. I pushed myself to wake up. To see what's the Creator need to tell me with my life. And, I got myself back into our almamater (my first, the green one), becoming an ordinary civil servant. The thing that made my mom and dad happy. By the end of the year, I passed the test. Then reality hits me. I had to back to Padang. Lived again there with all my prejudice and fears.

2022, February, I went back home.

Workloads were effectively distracting me from every turmoil inside. But as you always knew, my parents nagged me to get married. I don't. I'm already giving up in any romantic relationship for sure. I didn't tell them that. We just argued a lot, sometimes with tears. I didn't tell them my sappy unrequited love stories since I had feelings for boys. I couldn't burden them with that much disappointments. I didn't even tell them that I consider to not have kids. I'm clearly on the childfree side.

I noticed that I felt easily irritated and angry all the time. But inside, I felt cold. I pushed away every slightest romantic connection, even a connection. You knew already I'm a total faker. My expertise of pretending is grown rapidly. I'm too immersed in a 'don't fucking care' persona. It is easier.

The little sane part of my mind then pushed me to ask help. Yep, I got my first professional attendance to a psychologist. The first and only session that I've ever attended. She said: I'm really hard on myself. True. I haven't made any effort to go back. I ditched that efforts. I ended my 2022 with workloads with this shitty systems. It's systemic, our freakin' nations.

2023, now it's November.

I dare myself to do an unusual thing. I watched SUGA concert to celebrate my birthday (my first concert in my 35 years life). I bought BTS albums, built another mechanism to protect myself with the hobbies, the music, and the few people that I chose to be around. But, I'm still easily feeling sad and empty. Even in the crowd.

Work intimidates me. While I'm pretending that I'm okay with that, showing that no one can push me. But I'm scared. Really scared. I wanna fly away to continue my study, but I don't know how. I'm starting to build up doubts, while I'm being older and cranky. I'm really scared about my own capabilities. Could I? Would I?

Mas, I'm so tired somehow. The building of self-doubt is starting to consume me while I'm faking to be the ironclad warrior who face everything bravely. Nowadays I feel so tired with everything. I pretend I'm okay, even when I'm not. But the intriguing thing is that I don't even know what am not okay about.

See, I'm still babbling random things to you, even after all this time.

I know it's pathetic. My fears, my incompetencies. I just keep surviving, right?

Mas, you've came to my dream twice or thrice. Just to smile and do random things. I'm not asking you to say anything. This is just me, using this damn ignored blog to have a long conversation with you. I should cry writing these crap. But I'm not. I wrote these in business-mode. Lone-effective way.

Do not start talking about my spirituality. I just did the routines.

I have stable job, a regular career that most of people dream of, but inside, I dunno. Mas, I should keep surviving. But I do not know the purpose.

I should end these here. I need to go back home. It's already tiring outside.

Bye Mas.

Perkumpulan Rahasia dan Tabir Multisemesta (The Book of Dust 2 _ The Secret Commonwealth - Philip Pullman)

 “You won't understand anything about imagination until you realize that it's not about making things up, it's about perception.”

- Pantalaimon -

Will's Oxford, courtesy: BBC

Saya telah membersamai perjalanan panjang Lyra Silvertongue dan Will Parry lebih dari satu dekade sejak mulai membaca seri HIS DARK MATERIALS bikinan Philip Pullman yang secara berani dan sistematis mengupas aspek teologi, filsafat, benturan agama dan sains, dalam balutan fiksi fantasi gilang gemilang yang megah dan mengguncang. Setelah menangisi akhir trilogi HIS DARK MATERIALS sekian tahun lalu sambil berusaha bergerak maju, nyatanya mbah Pullman belum selesai. Kita dikejutkan dengan kehadiran seri baru, THE BOOK OF DUST yang muncul sekitar empat-lima tahun lalu, dengan judul buku pertama: LA BELLE SAUVAGE (bisa dicek di sini). Dipikir bakal prekuel, ternyata awalnya prekuel, dan buku keduanya, THE SECRET COMMONWEALTH malah merupakan sekuel dari HIS DARK MATERIALS.

Geliat Dedaunan Aspidistra (Keep the Aspidistra Flying - George Orwell)

 “...Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you're being miserable...”

- Clare Boothe Luce -

 

image courtesy: BBC gardener

Uang sudah menjadi identitas baru manusia, bukan hanya sekadar alat tukar. Di tengah bentuknya yang beragam mulai dari koin sampai kripto, si uang sudah menjelajah lebih jauh menukar harga kemanusiaan itu sendiri. Diakui atau tidak, kegiatan harian kita berputar pada upaya menghasilkan dan menghabiskan uang. Detik ini juga.

Lantas bagaimana bila ada individu yang terang-terangan menolak kuasa uang?

Perkara Yuni

"...Perempuan datang atas nama cinta
Bunda pergi karna cinta
Digenangi air racun jingga adalah wajahmu
Seperti bulan lelap tidur di hatimu
yang berdinding kelam dan kedinginan..."

- Rako Prijanto -

 

Beberapa bulan lalu, saya sempat berjanji dengan salah satu teman ghibah buku (sebut saja namanya Iqi, kayaknya jomblo, gesrek, dan hobi memancing keributan dengan topik sensitip) untuk menonton beraneka pilem buatan anak negeri yang award winning atau award considering. Sebagai individu julid, nonton pilem lokal di bioskop adalah hal yang jarang saya lakukan. Upaya menghindari kelakuan over critics dan misuh-misuh entah karena naskah atau akting pelakon. Sombong? Mungkin. Tapi ya selera dan pilihan saya begitulah modelnya. Hasil paparan bertahun-tahun terhadap tontonan dari negeri lain nan asing.

YUNI yang merupakan film lokal dengan bahasa daerah ini sudah menjadi incaran kami selain judul-judul lain. Akhirnya kemarin sore bisa menontonnya dengan cukup tenang paska keributan harian. Lantas bagaimana kesan dan pesannya?

The Forgiving Efforts

 “...Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them...”
- Oscar Wilde -

Image courtesy: personal shots

I haven't read much lately. Part of my daily brain exhaustion of workloads and of course my mental instability. 2021 has been so rough to me, but clearly it is kind enough too, in making me grow and learn. While handling the battle inside, I managed to read a tear-jerker book titled CHASING FORGIVENESS, written by Neal Shusterman. One of my long list author.

The truth about forgiving is damn so hard when you need to forgive yourself. At least for me. I am still on self-blaming condition about my own doings, love decisions, and others. So, when I finally finished this book last night, I might be continuing my journey in chasing forgiveness for myself. Another ups and downs journey indeed.

Darah Ribet ( Cormoran Strike #5 Troubled Blood - Robert Galbraith)

 “...Family not only need to consist of merely those whom we share blood, but also for those whom we'd give blood...”

- Charles Dickens -

Image courtesy: Pininterest

Tahun 2021 masih babak belur seperti pendahulunya, meskipun toleransi dan kekebalan sudah mulai lebih baik di bulan kesembilan. Di tengah beraneka gejolak, saya sudah nyaris lupa rasanya menamatkan buku secara ngebut tapi berkesan. Dan saya akhirnya menulis lagi setelah absen sekian bulan. Buku apa sih memangnya?

TROUBLED BLOOD (CORMORAN STRIKE#5) diterjemahkan dengan judul KECAMUK DARAH di Indonesia, nyaris setahun jaraknya dari rilis edisi bahasa Inggris di September 2020 lalu. Saya adalah fans Cormoran Strike, si detektif swasta problematik yang otaknya sungguh menarik. Dua tahun lalu sempat heboh dengan insiden di buku keempatnya (LETHAL WHITE) yang memang bikin urusan skandal kerajaan jadi terlihat tak sekedar gosip selebritas.

Toko Sulap ( Into the Magic Shop - James R Doty)

 "...on days I hate being myself, days I want to disappear forever...let's make a door in your heart... open the door and this place will await...It's okay to believe, the Magic Shop will comfort you..."

- BTS -

Image courtesy: dreamtime.com

Saya tau, bukan saya sendiri yang mulai tidak waras di kondisi pandemi tak berkesudahan ini. Namun, jika mau sedikit menilik segala kehilangan yang telah saya jalani sebagai individu, babak belur secara mental tampaknya mewarnai kehidupan sepanjang 2020 hingga paruh tengah 2021. Untungnya, saya masih memiliki banyak hal yang bisa saya syukuri, termasuk hobi membaca ini.

Saya sudah sering menyatakan bahwa saya bukan fans buku-buku self help yang hits beberapa tahun terakhir. Saya dari dulu sudah mencoba Chicken Soup, bukunya Robin Sharma, The Secret, bukunya Haemin Sunim, dan entah apa lagi. Dengan tidak mengurangi rasa hormat pada penulis-penulis kawakan yang menjajakan upaya menolong diri sendiri ini, saya tetap tidak klik. Entah saya yang terlalu memandang sinis pada dunia, hatinya batu, atau memang simpelnya bukan cangkir selera saya.